Diary of Jane

Aiden’s second birthday is tomorrow!!! I cannot believe he is already gonna be two! Wow. He is getting to be such a big boy. He is getting his second set of molars right now so that’s pretty difficult for him. We painted his room and are making it more awesome for him. Evans parents and Austin and Trenton are down here visiting and are leaving tomorrow night. They have helped with so much it’s amazing. They are amazing. But at the same time today I felt like I was gonna lose it. Only because there is just so much going on.. It just seems like I can’t handle that much going on. I get way too stressed out. It’s annoying.

Finally 20!! It feels like it took forever but at the same time I’m like wow I can’t believe I’m already 20

okay, one week on meds and nothing has really changed.. somedays i am exhausted and others i am okay and sometimes it keeps me up at night. for the first part of today i was happy and good then all of a sudden around 3-4 it changed and i went into the whole sad/angry thing.. i almost had a breakdown, but i tried my best to hold it together.. getting pretty stressed lately, idk why.. i guess its because i want to get so much done but it feels impossible. my house is a wreck and i keep trying to keep it up but its so hard.. its not so much the lack of motivation, i have motivation but just no energy and sometimes i get too overwhelmed and i end up not doing anything.

im supposed to be starting school feb 19th. that should be exciting and interesting.

my mom is supposed to come stay with me so i can get it done and so she can help with the kids, she id bringing her boyfriend which isnt a help.. i like him but its just another person to crowd the house and another mouth to feed.. i know that sounds terrible but its just how i feel. umm, oh yeah.. my bday is the 9th and she is trying to be here for that..

aidens 2nd bday is the 17th and evans parents are coming down for that, i kinda hope my mom doesnt come until they leave bc i am soo not ready for them to meet. i dont think i will ever be ready for them to meet. sometimes i feel like evans mom is a judgemental bitch.. even though she talks enough about her being cool and not judgemental but when you talk to her you can tell she judges people like she is god or something. and she always asks too many questions about too many personal things.. she just doesnt know how to mind her own business. she is a great person though and she cares a lot about everyone.. idk..

yeah, logans bday is march 4th..he is gonna be 1!!

evan is supposed to be going to the field sometime soon for a week and a half and then he has duty, i forget when, and then he is leaving again before or after logans bday.. idk. he still doesnt really know.

why do i stress so much? i have good expectations but i guess when my mood or my mind changes then i freak about it bc either plans change or things dont go the way i planned.. im not a drama queen like oh i’m not getting my way so i’m gonna pout..its not like that.. its like if i have something planned in my head then it changes then i have like an anxiety or panic attack.. idk its weird. ahhhhhhhhhh .

schmehhh.

okay, went to the neuro place and they prescribed me a mood stabilizer, lamictal or something.. idk, i start it tomorrow. the doc at first said its depression and ptsd.. hahahahahaha. wow. no. after i talked to her about that she was like well, blah blah blah maybe you have a bipolar disorder.. gee really. i dont have ptsd you dumbass. omg. ahh so, after her and i talked she was like yeah i’m gonna give you this and then we will increase the dosage as time goes by.. and she didn’t diagnose me with anything, it takes time.. but we will see if these meds help. idk. yeah. 

okay so i had my appt today with my therapist and i got reffered to a neuropsychiatric clinic and i am going there tomorrow at 5…not sure what is gonna happen.. i am going to have an evaluation done but it only takes an hr and idk what they are gonna do or say or what is gonna happen. nervous but excited to finally get the ball rolling on this.